Sunday, November 18, 2012

The moment I knew

I remember clearly the moment I knew I wanted kids. I mean, when I was growing up I always said I wanted kids. Then I met G and things got serious between us. I knew I wasn't ready for kids then so I went on the pill.

At this point I had kinda decided that maybe kids weren't for me. I enjoyed being able to go places and do things when I wanted to. Then my sister had a baby and I said there's no way I'm having one. Especially after I babysat my niece at my house one night and she wouldn't go to sleep unless I was holding her. She was probably 6-8 months old at this point, and was used to sleeping in her own bed, but I guess being in a new environment gave her some anxiety. I remember laying in bed with her sleeping on my chest and every time I r\tried to move her to the bed she woke up and cried. So I laid there all night with a baby on my chest. I couldn't sleep because every time I dozed off I was afraid I was going to roll over and knock her off.  It was a really long night.

In 2005 G and I decided it was time to go off the pill. I was still unsure about wanting kids, but we decided to just let things take their own course. But nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. No cycles or anything. But I kinda liked not having a cycle. I didn't know then how bad that was for me.

Around 2007 or so I finally decided to go see a dr and find out what was going on. I hadn't had any annual exams in several years so I knew I would have to start with that. The day the nurse called to give me the results is a day I'll never forget. They told me my results were abnormal and I needed to have a biopsy. It was that exact moment I knew I wanted to have kids.

I remembered my mom telling me that she had the same thing happen after one of her annuals, she had a biopsy and ended up with a hysterectomy. I didn't know at that time the processes a woman goes through now to make sure she doesn't get cervical cancer compared to 25 years previous when it happened to my mom. All I knew was that there was a possibility I could have cancer and I wouldn't be able to have kids. I was so devastated.

Luckily, I ended up not having cancer, but I had to go through multiple treatments to get rid of the abnormal cells. I had to have repeat exams every 6 months until I ended up with 2 in a row that were normal. Once that happened we were ready to try and get pregnant.

My dr at the time never tried to find out why I still wasn't having cycles on my own. I was just taking a round of provera every 60 days or so. Once we decided it was time to try, she just prescribed me clomid and then on cd 21 or so she would test my progesterone and see if I ovulated. Then if my cycle didn't start within 3 weeks we'd do another round of provera then start the clomid again. That was all the monitoring I got. I ended up doing 5 rounds of clomid with her gradually increasing the dosage. After the 5th round she said she couldn't help me anymore and I needed to see someone else.

That was what let me to my last dr that passed away. I did tons of research trying to find a dr that wasn't hours away, and my research paid off. He's the one that diagnosed my pcos and led me to the pregnancy that unfortunately ended up in a miscarriage.

I don't want to imply in any way that it was a good thing my dr died. It was a very sad occasion and I'm still upset by it, but I feel like I was led to my current dr for a reason. I feel like he's the one that's going to get me  pregnant. He was actually listed as one of the best dr's in Dallas.

Hopefully in 3 weeks I'll be pregnant, but if not, I know he'll get me there.

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