Saturday, June 9, 2012

The News

So we had the ultrasound on Thursday. And we didn't see anything. Nothing. The tech that did the u/s proceeded to measure my uterus and my ovaries and didn;t say a word to us, but it was obvious there was nothing there.

Then the Dr (not my Dr) came in to explain what we were seeing. First she showed my empty womb and explained what they look for in pregnancy and told me all she could see in mine is "debris". Then she showed me my ovaries and explained what they look at to check for an ectopic pregnancy and said my ovaries look just fine. Then we were done. 

I was pretty numb about everything at this point. It was pretty obvious the baby was gone. I had already spent Tuesday evening and all of Wednesday crying and grieving because my instincts were telling me what the u/s later showed.

One of the ladies from my Dr's office called a few hours later and said the Dr wanted to see me the next morning. So I went to the Dr Friday and he did a 2 minute pelvic exam then asked me to get dressed so we could talk. When he came back in he said he's a guy that likes to see the glass as half full and said the good news it that we know for sure I can get pregnant. I know that's true, I said it myself, but at this point I'm so tired of hearing it.

He also told me that the "debris" in my uterus is the remains of the pregnancy. He told me to stop taking the progesterone suppositories since I didn't need them anymore, but he also felt that's what was keeping my body from miscarrying naturally since it should have already.  Unfortunately, he couldn't tell me when the bleeding would start or if it even would. He also told me of the possibility of a d&c. Hopefully it won't come to that. He went so far as to tell me that if I saw any bits of tissue that look like liver he wants me to save them and bring them in on Tuesday. That was a bit much for me.

I wasn't going to tell my mom about any of it at first but I ended up telling her on Tuesday evening because I wanted her support. After my appointment with the Dr Friday I called her to let her know what was going on and she told me I shouldn't think about it as losing a baby since it was never viable to begin with and it never had a heartbeat. I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, but she did. It was one of the meanest things she has ever said to me. How do you really decide when a baby becomes a baby?

I'm just waiting for nature to take its course now. The cramps have started, but the bleeding hasn't. G had to explain to our boss about what's going on because one, we knew he was going to ask us about our trip to the Marlboro Ranch, but also because chances are I won't be at work Monday. He is being very supportive about it and G and he are supposed to be coming up with something to tell the people at work because I don't want all of them asking how our trip was.

I can't even explain how supportive G has been through all of this. This experience, the good and the bad has brought us so much closer together. I could never ask for anything more of him.

We did have a little good news this weekend. The guy from the Marlboro Travel Headquarters called me Friday and told me they will be able to reschedule me and then asked how my dr would feel about me traveling during my second trimester. I felt like a jerk having to tell him I lost the baby. He was very apologetic then asked me to call him next week to reschedule our trip. So I have that to look forward to again.

It's so hard for me to know how I should feel right now. I now there's no wrong or right way to feel, but most of the time I don't really feel anything. But then I start thinking about things. Like, I'll never get that first positive pregnancy test again and the excitement that came with it. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to find out I'm pregnant without being terrified of losing another baby. I know that I never got to see my baby on an ultrasound or hear it's heartbeat, but that doesn't mean that it's any less real. It was still my baby and now it's gone. I think once the bleeding starts it'll be a little harder for me because I know my body will be getting rid of the last traces of my pregnancy and my baby.

I know mt MIL is in heaven somewhere holding and watching over my baby for me until I get there. I just hope this is the only one she has to watch over. I really don't know how many time I can go through this before I give up. I just pray that I don't ever have to go through this again and I have a new respect for others that have lost their babies.

1 comment:

jeanna said...

I came to check on you (my google reader is acting up) and I don't know why my phone didn't post my comment before.....

I am so sorry for your loss. It is really tough. You are not alone. You know I lost my twin boys and that was the hardest thing I have even been through and it changed me. I have tried to make those changes postive, but it is hard. What I haven't shared on my blog is that we just lost another baby. I was only pregnant for a week, my beta was 21 and then 6 so I knew it was over before I even began bleeding. We are hopefully moving onto an IUI next week and hoping it works.

I thought I had your email address, but don't. If you ever want to email/chat just email me. Jeannadholmes at hot mail dot com.