Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I need advice

I'm fighting with my mother. I'm fighting with my husband. My closest friend is almost 400 miles away. I'm sitting at work trying not to cry because I am so frustrated.

Remember that fight with my mother I told you about last week?  Well it's still going.  We still haven't talked to each other.  My heart is starting to hurt.

Yesterday afternoon my niece showed up unexpectedly at my door. Apparently my dad asked her to come over and bring a check my mom was going to give me on the day we had our fight over 2 weeks ago.  It made me feel terrible. Now I feel like if something doesn't change soon our relationship is never going to be the same again.  It's going to become irrepairable. I laid in bed last night and just cried.

How do I break the ice and say, I'm sorry we had a fight, but I'm not sorry for standing up for myself.  How do I tell her that the one she should have been upset with that morning was herself and not me?  How do I end the fight without compromising what I believe to be right?

I'm scared as hell to even talk to her, but not because she's mad at me, but because confrontation terrifies me.  So the fact that I was able to stand my ground with her, much less in a very public place, astonishes me. 

My hormones must be causing me to do crazy things.  Today I had a fight with G at work.  In front of a customer. But he started it.  G, not the customer.  It was really stupid, but I guess when you're around someone 24/7 that's just how it is sometimes.

So now I'm not only causing scenes in public, but at my workplace, too.  Luckily my boss wasn't around to catch any of it, but diva co-worker was there for part of it. Hopefully she won't say anything to the boss.  If she does, oh well.  It will be my fault for arguing at work.  I guess that's one of the dangers of spouses working togather.  Surprisingly this is the first argument we've had at work that other people could hear.

I feel so alone right now.  I need some girl time, but I don't have any close friends. How am I supposed to cope with all these issues when all I can do is keep them all bottled up inside?  I feel like one day I'm just going to explode.  Maybe that's what today was.  A little bit of leakage.  Too much pressure waas building up and I guess some of it had to go somewhere.

G asked me after our argument how I can yell at him publicly when I can't even stand up for myself with anyone else in private.  Well he's the one that made me that way.  I've always been the type to run and hide when faced with confrontation.  If I'm just left alone for a few hours I get over it and everything's fine.  But G is just the opposite.  He wants to get it all out in the open and argue until there's nothing left to argue over.  It was really hard for me at first.  I've learned to argue back with him when I need to and he's learned to back off when he needs to.  He is the only person in the world that I feel safe arguing with.  He's my safe person.  I usually know how he's going to react so I don't hesitate anymore when it comes to confronting him.

Any suggestions on what I can do to get all this mess straightened out?  I can't handle it much longer.  I'm all ears right now.

1 comment:

BU said...

I think you can say to your mom just what you did in your post... that you don't want to fight anymore but you still feel the same way. Maybe that's all it will take to break the ice with her.
As for your hubby, it's too bad you fought publicly, but it happens. If your boss says anything, just tell him it was a bad day and it will never happen again.
I think it's good that you can argue with your hubby when you need to. It's good practice and what kind of marriage would it be if you never stood up for yourself in it?