Saturday, June 19, 2010

Today I am 30

 So today I turned the big 30. This is the first birthday ever that I haven't been excited for. But I also never thought I would be 30 and have no kids and never been pregnant. I officially feel like my youth has slipped away. You know you always hear that once you are 30 the chances of conceiving get slimmer every year and now I think I hear a clock ticking in the background of my mind.

I have been so emotional lately I am trying not to cry even now. I got an invitation in the mail yesterday to my cousin's baby shower. I just wanted to rip it up into little pieces and throw it in the trash. Very childish of me I know, but that's how I felt. She wants my mother and I to make her baby shower cake, but I just can't do it. I don't want to celebrate that this young perfect 21 yr old is having a baby and I can't.

My husband is great just like he always is around my birthday. He already bought me some perfume last week, and then yesterday he came home with balloons, flowers and a small bag that had chocolates and fishing gear in it and he got me a pink fishing pole. Fishing gear isn't exactly romantic I know, but it was perfect. He didn't get home until after 4pm yesterday which is normal, but he later confessed that he had gotten off work at noon and had been driving everywhere for hours just trying to find the perfect fishing pole for me. How sweet is that. To top everything off he is taking me on a weekend trip to Hot Springs on Fourth of July weekend. We are leaving on that Thursday, staying the night in Dallas, then driving to Hot Springs on Friday and staying til Sunday. We will be home Sunday evening to spend time with family before having to go back to work on Tuesday.

My mother let me pick out some scrapbooking stuff for my birthday so I picked out some stuff to make new calendars. Last year I made little flip calendars for my mother and sister for Christmas and I made one for myself.  I decided this year I would make them together with my mother so that is my gift from my mother.

(On a side note, my Dad will hopefully be hearing about a job early next week. He has been out of work since about February so he is really excited. This also happens to be his dream job so please keep your fingers crossed for him.

Even though I have been totally depressed I am really trying to keep optimistic about going to the Dr next month, but I am also really nervous. I have never had a male Dr before so that's a little uncomfortable for me, but the worst part is that I think I am expecting a miracle to happen. That I will go to see the Dr and I will magically get pregnant within a few months. I know that's not likely (the average for this Dr is 13 months) but I can't help but get my hopes up. I will be happy to finally get some answers though.

Even though I am really emotional right now it is still my birthday so I'm going to give it the best effort I can. Now I am going to see if I can get my sweet hubby to make breakfast for me. After all, it is my birthday.

**Just after I finished posting this I went into the bedroom to see if G would cook me some eggs and I found a card and a beautiful sapphire bracelet to match my engagement ring at my pillow. I was not expecting that at all and all my emotions came to the surface and I just sat there and balled like a baby. So now he has gotten me all the cliche gifts: perfume, flowers, chocolate, and jewelry, and I love them all. He knows how I feel about this birthday and he is determined to make it the best one yet. Now I'm off to go eat my eggs.**

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