Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Rantings of a Mad Woman

I am going to have a little pity party for myself today and get it out of the way, I feel a lot of ranting coming on and this is the best place to just let it out. All of these emotions just keep building up inside of me and I am afraid one day I am just going to explode. I figure it is better just to vent here instead of at my poor husband who already has to deal with the emotional wreck his wife has become. This is my first month taking fertility meds, but I have been dealing with other issues for over 4 years that have kind of led to this point.

I have no friends close by just my family. I see my mother every day and I can usually talk to her about most things, but when it comes to my fertility issues it's almost like she doesn't want to hear about it. When I start talking about it she will usually tell me I am jumping the gun or that I am thinking about it too much and I need to quit worrying. I understand that this process is more than likely going to take time. While clomid does help with the fertility issues it is not a miracle drug that guarantees pregnancy the first time round, but when you are on this crazy roller coaster ride of infertility it plays a major part in your life. It is hard not to think about it a lot if not all the time.

I try to talk to my husband about the way I am feeling and he thinks I am going overboard. Maybe I am, but to me it doesn't feel that way. It doesn't help that we work at the same place so he hovers and when he sees me reading blogs of other women struggling with infertility he sort of chuckles and tells me to just be patient. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly, but sometime he drives me insane.I don't think he understands that he is a large part of the reason I feel so much pressure to have a baby soon. There is a large age difference between us and he will be 50 in February. I want him to be able to enjoy our child growing up.

It's not like I sit here all day and obsess about getting pregnant and having a baby, but it is something I think about a lot. It's hard not to. Every day when I take the prenatal vitamin my DR has me on I think about it, and when I look at my calendar and see cycle days and estimated ovulation days, and lab work and dr visits I think about it. To me it feels like having a baby is the only thing left to make my life complete. I have the love of my life, I have my home and my family. The only thing missing is a baby. Of course life will go on if I don't get pregnant. I will simply learn to live my life without children or adopt.

It does make me sad when I see pregnant women everywhere because I wish it was me. I also get sad seeing little babies. It seems that I see them all the time now, but I think I just notice it more because that is the track my mind is on. Sometimes I have a hard time dealing with the fact that there are women who get pregnant every day that aren't even trying or who don't even want to be pregnant or even think about having a baby and bam they are pregnant. It just all seems unfair when there are so many women out there like me that have infertility issues and have to go through so many struggles just to attempt to concieve.

My best friend came for a visit this weekend with her new baby. She lives in Missouri so this is the first time I have seen her in almost a year. Her son was only 13 days old when she came to visit. When she first told me she was pregnant I had a hard time dealing with it. It seemed like all she could talk about was her pregnancy and it felt like she was just rubbing it in because she knew I was trying to get pregnant and it became very hard to talk to her for a while. I understand now that she was not intentionally hurting my feelings she was just excited about the pregnancy. It was really good to see her this weekend and holding her tiny baby just gave me hope that one day it will be my turn. I think I will be a good mother and I just pray for the opportunity to try.

If there is even one person out there that reads this please send me, and all other women trying to concieve, your best wishes and prayers. We need all the hope and help we can get.

1 comment:

jeanna said...

Missy, thank you for the words of encouragement on my blog. I seek out other blogs of those that are trying to conceive too! I pray every night for the women who are going through what we are going through. It is a painful and confusing journey.

Good luck to both of us, right?!